Smut Boys - Wavey

I sit here today on the cusp of turning 35, which will be November 2024. My journey from, frankly, self loathing, to positive self image has been an uphill battle. From fearing my sexuality, and especially intimacy, as being a sin, to finding empowerment in my own skin; my journey has really been one of rediscovery. Not just rediscovery of my body or my sexuality but also of the love and the freedom I deserve.

I grew up in an Evangelical family and attended an Evangelical church, a small community in Ireland so never the power wielding monster that community is in the US, but they would love to be. The entire communication around sex in a purity culture is it's sin, and even to think about it is sin. But this is especially true when you find your attraction is to the same gender. That’s “an abomination”. At least your heterosexuality can be redeemed. My homosexuality, part of my core being - as I’ve now come to realise - was irredeemable.

I was outed to some people at the age of 16. A vulnerable age. It led to me being banned from working with kids in certain church/parachurch environments until I married a woman for fear of what I might do to the kids. My feelings were just treated as horrific, as at that point I hadn’t actually acted on them, and I internalized that. At the same time I’ve almost always battled with weight and body issues. But the desire to be unattractive to members of the same gender, and the pressure of thinking a huge part of me was sin, exasperated that issue and I piled on the pounds, hiding my shame, hiding my sexuality, hiding myself behind body fat. I got to the point that I thought I was no longer gay, I was suppressing myself that much.

Then the pandemic hit. I had time to read, time to reflect, time to watch tv shows like “Love, Victor” and slowly my opinion of my sexuality changed. And with it my weight issues too. Between 2021 and 2022 my personal image of myself improved. It’s still an active journey, a move in work sent me spiraling into depression this year, and “the body keeps the score” so my self image took a battering. But it can batter and I will battle back. And now I do it with my fiancé by my side, a man I love and who loves me, a wonderful reality.

I spent most of my life feeling like my body and desires were at odds with my worth, but today I’m learning to embrace every part of myself - from my sexuality to my weight fluctuations, to my source of self worth - with pride.